Sci actually spends a lot of time thinking about being a woman in science. I am, after all, a woman in science. I don’t generally blog about it (I feel like other people do that a lot better than I would), but sometimes…things just hit me.
There’s a lot about being a woman in science (and being a woman in general), that makes you second guess a lot of things. Why WAS that guy at the gym being so nice to me? Chances are he was just being friendly…but… Why did that guy give me a discount? Friendly…or otherwise? Why this behavior? Why that one? Is it just because someone is being nice or understanding? Or is it because they think I am an object rather than a person, or a dainty girl so delicate I might break under strain?
I mean, obviously, there are not ill intentions all the time. In fact, there aren’t evil intentions MOST of the time, and mostly there aren’t intentions at all. But it’s like when you lie there, about to go to sleep, relaxed, and wonder to yourself vaguely if you locked the door. Chances are you did, but you second guess yourself and check anyway. You know that the vast majority of the time you were totally silly and you locked the door just fine, but then there’s that one or two times when you didn’t. And each time you catch yourself when you didn’t lock the door makes you that much more worried about the next time. So you always check.
So it is being a woman, and being a woman in science. You second guess a lot of things. Most of the time you’ll be fine and nothing will happen, but there’s that one time you forgot to second guess, you forgot to lock the door, and the next thing you know something awful has happened, and it’s because you’re a woman, and someone thought they could treat you like crap.
In the case of science, I worry a lot about how people treat me. If you are very caring…are you caring because you’re nice? Or is it because I’m a girl and you think I’ll break? If you are harsh, are you harsh because you’re just a jerk, or is it because I’m a girl and you don’t think I can hack it?
For example: there was MAJOR experiment fail the other day. MAJOR. Suffice it to say that all the samples were lost, I nearly destroyed a MASSIVELY expensive piece of equipment, and other such shenanigans. My shoe had also broken, so I was limping around the lab, desperately trying to salvage the data like a madwoman. My PI arrives upon this scene. I describe the issues, and my attempts to solve them, what was going on, and take responsibility for a truly massive oversight on my part. I generally don’t display a great deal of emotion in the lab (game face on, y’all), but I cracked at that point to show some of my frustration and embarrassment. No tears or anything, no stomping, nothing like that. Just frustration.
My PI looked at me worriedly (after getting over the anger about the samples), and said “would you like to go home?”
Um. No? No. I’ve got a student coming in later, she needs supervision. I can SALVAGE this, and I can get some of this done. I have another student coming by later who wants to chat about projects. Why the heck would I go home?! It’s just a ruined experiment, no crying over spilled milk and all that. I’m more likely to stay late and try to salvage this.
Of course my PI was being incredibly kind, and saw how frustrated I was. But…did I look like I was about to break? Or cry? Or something?
And would he have said the same thing if I was a guy? Nope. Probably not. I can safely say in all my time in labs I have heard of ONE male being gently sent home, and it was after a traumatic event that was really huge, and involved an ambulance. Definitely not a failed experiment.
There is sexism in harshness, without a doubt, and that’s the worst kind. But there is sexism in some types of kindness as well. I am a scientist. I am not a delicate teacup who cracks at the first sign of experiment fail. I don’t want to be treated like I’m delicate any more than I want to be treated as though I am undeserving or unwelcome in my field. I want to be treated like a scientist. But is this overinterpretation? Where does sexism end and simple kindness begin? Maybe I’ve checked too many locks in my time to be sure.
