Not only are these things you shouldn’t do for kicks, but things that you should NEVER EVER have your friends do to you at a bachelor party. Those people are not your friends.
You’d think that, no matter how drunk you were, you wouldn’t agree when someone said “Hey, let’s see if we can fit this in your penis…”
Quin, G, McCarthy. G. “Self insertion of urethal foreign bodies”. Journal of Accident and Emergency Medicine, 2000 May; 17(3): 231.
Oof. Really, I’m a girl and I’m crossing my legs over this one…
So apparently, though insertion of foreign bodies into the urethra is unusual, it’s not all THAT rare. And when we say “insertion”, we’re talking about way more than the tip of the swab that you get when you’re tested for STDs (which is something that everyone should have done, btw).
This particular study is actually a description of two case studies. The main point of the paper is this: if you have something inserted far into your urethra, DO NOT PULL IT OUT. Pulling will not work. If you’re are unfortunate or stupid enough to have this happen to you, hie thee to a urologist, and hope that your erectile function (and urinary function, for that matter) will remain intact.
Case Study number 1: A 36 year old man was at a “stag party”, which I believe is a bachelor party, right? One can only hope that he was NOT the guy getting married, this would certainly disrupt some new-found conjugal bliss. Anyway, he was probably in a pretty severe state of inebriation, and his ‘friends’ thought it would be really funny to insert a length of TENNIS WIRE into his urethra. I don’t know how conscious he was at the time, but he certainly had no recollection of exactly how much had gone in. Honestly, boys these days. After reading about this, I can only conclude that ‘stag parties’ involving strippers are the ones on the tame side.
So the first thing the doctors did was to try and pull it out. No dice. Upon getting a scan, it was revealed that the guy had 2-3 METERS of tennis wire coiled in his BLADDER. No wonder he was having trouble peeing. He ended up having to have bladder surgery. No reports on whether his equipment is working correctly.
Case study number 2: Another 36 year old man (what is it about 36 year old men?) walked into the urology department claiming to have trouble peeing. It turns out that he had inserted the outer plastic sheath of a cable into his penis “for kicks”. Apparently this is a form of “pathological masturbation” (the famous Kinsey of the Kinsey reports was even known for doing this), in which guys get off by inserting things into their penis. Since I imagine this hurts a great deal, one can only assume they also get off on pain. So this guy inserted a plastic sheath into his penis, and it was still sticking out (I suppose it’s good that it wasn’t all the way in there). But he had inserted so much that there was actually a knot of cable sheath up in his bladder.
Of course they didn’t know this at first, and tried to pull it out. You can imagine how well that went. Hello, surgery.
The authors conclude that, even if the object inserted is protruding out of the meatus (the head of the penis), you shouldn’t go try to pull it out. Most likely that’s not all that’s in there. Not only that, pulling doesn’t seem to work most of the time. Usually surgery is necessary. But I would say the main lesson of the paper is this: don’t insert things into your penis.
G. Quin (2000). Self insertion of urethral foreign bodies Emergency Medicine Journal, 17 (3), 231-231 DOI: 10.1136/emj.17.3.231
